My Daddy Gave You A Smile
by RusNydia
Summary: "Either I'm crazy or this kid looks just like me," he muttered, pulling the little boy closer as though that would make his features change into something that didn't look like mini him. The boy giggled as though he were entertained by his words, "DADDY!" slash, violence, offensive (maybe?), bad people
1. Beau Brummelly

There will be Batman/Joker and later Jason/Severus

Warning: curses, children being creepy and future slash happenings

(**)

Severus idly played with the multicolored hat of his harlequin doll. There used to be four jingling bells sewed onto the ends of the separated pieces of hat but they had long since been ripped off by his father… well, by the man that thought he was his father. See, Severus was young, only around four years old (well, he thought he was four or five but his birthday wasn't celebrated and he was never too sure what time of year it was) but even he could realize that the man that was sitting across from him with his hateful blue eyes and messy red hair was not his father.

"What are you thinking about, freak?" the man slurred at him, blue eyes beginning to glaze over as the poison of his choice began to take effect. No, no this man definitely wasn't his father.

"When my daddy going to come get me?" Severus countered despite knowing that the man would never tell him the truth. Ever since Severus had caught a look at himself in a mirror, he knew that this man couldn't possibly be his father but every time he asked the man that pretended to be his daddy (more like his horrible caretaker) he would either fly into a rage or pretend that Severus didn't realize what was going on.

"I am your father, freak as much as I hate to say it," the man glared. Severus sighed, it was the second option then. He idly wished that the little bells for his harlequin doll were back so that he could listen to their pretty sounds but he supposed that's why his caretaker had taken them away. Severus had always taken comfort in the sound but as soon as the lady that might have been his actual mother left… well the man that wasn't his father had taken them away.

"Nu-uh. My daddy is funny and he laff all the time," Severus shook his head as though the other was the child. They went through this almost every month but this time he was going to trap the man that wasn't his father. He was going to reveal everything that he knew and oh, he knew a lot.

"Oh does he now? Tell me, what else you know about your daddy?" the man was mocking him now but still Severus didn't take offense to it. He knew that the man was just trying to deny the truth but Severus wouldn't let him do it, he had him trapped.

"He do magic like me," he rattled off the next fact, watching as the red haired man stiffened and hatred began to roll off of him. Yes, he had always hated Severus for being able to do magic, he hated him for being a 'freak' but Severus didn't care because it was his magic and he loved it more than his precious harlequin doll. But no, no… the man definitely didn't like his magic.

"I know he didn't loved my mum but he love me." It was hard to admit it but Severus knew that his daddy and mommy didn't get along very well. They had lots of fights because she didn't understand his real daddy's jokes and, from what he remembered about his mum, she wasn't a very nice lady in the first place. She was even worse for stealing him away from his daddy as she had done. Then she left him with this man as soon as he could survive without her nutrients which she had given reluctantly anyhow.

The man did his mocking nodding thing as though he was seriously considering the words that came from Severus' mouth. It was okay, still because now it was time that Severus pulled out the big truths, the truths that were liable to get him smacked around and starved for a few days but he didn't care. He didn't care one bit because the man would admit to it, he would admit to stealing Severus and not being his daddy.

"I know my daddy is a real clown." Severus could see it in the man's mind and, at first, he hadn't known what it was but now he knew. Every time the man looked at him, he saw Severus' real daddy and that scared him. Oh yes, it scared him a lot and Severus was happy about it because the man was mean to him and wouldn't let him see his daddy. The man absolutely hated anything that was connected to clowns and would often tear away Severus' harlequin doll to toss it away only for Severus' magic to call it back to him and set the cycle all over again.

"That's enough, freak," the man snarled but Severus wasn't done. He was going to go back to his real daddy if it killed him! He didn't like this man, he didn't like that he kept calling him names and kept hurting him. He didn't like that he wouldn't let him go outside to play and be with the other kids. His real daddy wouldn't do all of that, he would be nice to him and let him have fun unlike this sour man before him. Severus slid off the couch and walked to the man that wasn't his father and looked deep into the blue eyes, his harlequin held to his chest.

"I know he gave you scar." The man stiffened, his legs jerking away from Severus as though he had hit him.

"What did you say?" the man breathed out, the stench of his liquor overtaking Severus' sensitive nose but he didn't back down. The scar was only on half of his face, leading from the corner of his mouth almost to his ear. It was heavy and warped as though the person that had patched him up couldn't quite get the needle and threads to work correctly and couldn't care in the least if they did. Severus had seen in the man's eyes that it was his daddy that had done it. It was his daddy that had attacked this man but hadn't finished because the man had gotten away with Severus and Severus' mother.

Sometimes when Severus would look into the man's eyes, he would see little snippets of his daddy but he could never see everything—green hair and blazing black eyes surrounded by more black that were warped with fear. And a laugh. Severus loved that laugh and would often force his magic to bring it to the forefront of the man's mind so that he could hear it again and again. It was loud, high pitched and echoed delightfully.

"I said he gave your scar. My daddy gave you a smile and he a clown with green hair… like this," and Severus felt the tingle of his magic as his black locks shifted from the jagged shortness in which it had been forced to long, green curtains that framed his face. He smiled widely at the man that wasn't his father, eyes wide and let out a howling laugh that sounded just like the laugh he heard in the man's mind.

The man jerked from the couch with a cry of fear and immediately fell to the floor, scrambling desperately away from Severus as though he wasn't just a little boy. Severus rather liked the fear in his blue eyes, the way he curled up into the corner as Severus had done every time he pulled out his belt. He walked slowly up to the man, eyes never leaving the blue eyes before him until Severus stood by his side, mouth stretched into a large, pearly smile.

"Mr. Napier…" he giggled and thrust his face so close that their noses touched. Jack, the man, flinched backwards, hitting his head on the wall as there was nowhere left to go. Severus took one hand from his doll and touched his small lips to guide his magic into making them bright red and then brushed the underside of his eyes, making large black circles appear there. Then he opened his newly made red lips and asked the most important question he could ever ask anyone especially this man that wasn't his father.

"Why so serious?"

(**)

The man walked easily down the street, hat jammed on his head, long brown trench coat flapping at his ankles and a thick scarf around his neck and covering half of his face. Had it not been for the hundreds of people in similar clothing, the man might have been very suspicious but as it were, early morning fall in the lovely city of Gotham was fucking cold and no one had the time to realize that the man walking in the streets with them was a murdering psychopath. In fact it was so cold outside that said murdering psychopath hadn't even hurt a single person since he stepped out of his 'home' with a scarf on his face and money in his pocket.

Yes, yes, money was such a useless thing that people were so desperate for and really a big annoyance that he could live without but there were just some things that couldn't be stolen or substituted… things that he absolutely needed…

"Welcome back Mistah Terre!" a genial voice chirped. The man lifted his head for a brief moment to peg the incessantly cheerful cashier with her blond hair up in two ponytails and bright blue eyes that looked horribly innocent and countered oddly with the form fitting harlequin inspired outfit she wore. He gave her a hidden smile and nodded, grabbing a small cart and shoving it down the shiny aisle.

"Oh, we have those cookies you like Mistah Terre, they're by the usual spot!"

Yes, what he needed were those rare, very delicious cookies that only came around during the Christmas holidays but he had pulled a few strings and made sure they were imported to this store every month. Then, to make sure that no one stole them, he made sure that they were hidden behind the most disgusting coffee that could be imagined. Honestly, he hadn't thought that any coffee could be nasty until they decided to fuck with the beans and make any concoction they so well chose.

"Fuckin' disgraces to the name of coffee," he muttered to himself, yanking out his cookies and ignoring the fallen tins. He went on to mutter out his grocery list, needing other things to continue survival although he highly wished that he could survive solely on cookies and sweets but the last time he had tried that, he was violently sick and that had been very embarrassing when playing a very fun game. He cringed at the memory and shoved vegetables and 'organic' (things that tasted just like the other things but did he really want to bitch about this?) things into the basket. More than a few packages of candy were thrown into the basket and some juices, milk, cereal, bread and pancake mix.

"Ya know Mistah Terre, you are always our best costumer. If it weren't for you, I swear this store wouldn't do half as good, what with our items being a tad expensive and whatnot," the girl chattered on in that high pitched accented voice. The man nodded absently, gazing at the items left and the number that was rising. He did the math quickly in his head before shoving his hand into his pocket and beginning to count out the large bills until he had a little over the right amount.

"I told Red, do you remember her?" the girl stopped adding for a brief moment to look at him. The man twitched subtly and nodded quickly which brought a big smile to her face and a continuance of checking out. "So you'll know that she really has a thing for plants, absolutely loves them so we donate a lot of her earnings to save one forest or another and whatnot. It's real nice what she does for those plants and all and she's great in the sack if you get what I mean."

"That's greaaaaat," he drawled, shoving the bills into her hands before she could announce the price that he could clearly see. The girl let out another chirp and sorted the bills into the register, either ignoring the fact that some of the bills had a drop or two of red on them or simply not believing that it was blood. Given the amount of deaths in this town and the particular stupidity of this girl, either or was free game.

"So Mistah Terre, ya know I don't know nuthin' about cha even though you come here like all the time?" she continued to chirp, moving on to bagging the items in their pretentious environment friendly bags. The man made a non-descriptive noise that might have been one of interest but judging by the way that the man had started to tap his fingers on the counter, this was probably a lie.

"I mean, for all I know you could be, I don't know the Jokah or something!" she fell into a fit of giggles, almost crushing his cookies under her slight weight. The man opened his mouth, probably to say something that would wipe the smile off her black-red painted lips but something else entirely happened. The door burst open and in walked… the Joker!?

"Hiiiii," the Joker drawled, smile spread across his smiling face and a gun cocked sideways in his hand. The store clerk pointed as though the only other person in the store had to be made aware of the demonic clown and let out a shrill shriek that would have challenged any bimbo in a horror movie.

"Seriously?" the inconspicuous man muttered under his breath with a very heavy frown.

(**)

The henchmen didn't know what to do. Well they suspected that it would be best if they simply got rid of it—the boss definitely wouldn't be happy if he caught sight of this thing. The only problem was that it was hiding in the smallest nook in existence that none of them could possibly get into. Of course that was the only plan that they had come up with… well at least it was the most humane.

"We could just shoot at it… maybe scare it a little," one of the remaining seven henchmen, Sneezy, suggested followed by several sneezes. He had just walked in from guard duty… although it wasn't really guarding. There were many alarms to trip up to this section of the building and plenty of traps to fall for. For a man that didn't plan, their boss sure had a lot of planned booby-traps.

"I don't think the boss would be happy about that. We might accidentally hit it." Another, Sneezy countered immediately followed by a loud yawn. If one didn't know better, than one would assume that he was one of the few people in this particular group with morals if not insomnia. It was certainly possible and none of them would really feel right about shooting the thing but when the boss got back… well, they knew for a fact that this thing would definitely not put a smile on his face or any of their faces really.

"Stop worrying about it. Just wait for him to do something about it. Maybe he'll think it's a gift…" another man shrugged from across the room. The three that stood as close to the thing as they could turn as a whole, looking at the man sitting on the couch. Because of the golden hair that was mostly overtaken by white but lack of prominent wrinkles, the man could have been anywhere from thirty to ninety although they did make an 'educated' guess of around, maybe, fifty or so. He had eyes that said he seen not everything but enough to not be shocked by very much. Instead of his clown mask being frightening, it was almost plain with its blue painted frown covering only his left half while his real face was normally smiling like a human Comedy and Tragedy. He dragged his visible dark blue eye from the television to give them a highly amused look.

If there was anyone to be considered second in command in this gang of murderous clowns then Grumpy would definitely fit the bill. For as long as their boss had plagued this city, Grumpy had been there although not necessarily by his side. Somehow, against all odds, he had managed to make himself as un-annoying and needed as humanely (demonically some would insist) possible. In all the time he had been there, he hadn't been shot, stabbed or even vaguely threatened.

The boss even deigned to remember his name ("Joseph Kerr? As in Joe Kerr? Ha, HA!") which was amazing considering that he hardly remembered which one he shot five seconds ago much less if there is any difference between any of them. Then again if Joseph had an opinion that was important enough for him to voice it, he would say it and not only did he say it but if their boss didn't like it, it certainly wasn't Joseph that was killed or gravely injured. So reluctance on the part of the more disposable henchmen was quite understandable.

"Honey I'm HOMMMMME!" a voice sung out much chipper than when the man had left the 'base of operations'.

The masked henchmen all glanced around at each other. Which one of them was going to ruin the boss's happy mood? Well, they would have to settle this like all great men before them: in a duel. It was a duel of wits, skill and luck. It was a battle that held their very lives in the balance… it was a game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'.

(**)

Joker was a very happy, very simple man in the way of needs. Well… he liked expensive clothes but what man didn't like the look their best? Now, on the subject of looking their best, this jackass standing before him was definitely not doing it right. First things first, where did he buy his dye because that green was completely wrong—the shit on his head looked like hot puke sitting out in the sun. The coat was too short and thin especially in this cold ass weather and too bright of a purple. Yeah it was only by a shade or two but still noticeable to his sharp eyes and that green too dark and was that an orange-blue tie!?

Again, Joker was a very happy man but one thing that really ruffled his feathers… that really put a frown on his face was copycats that couldn't even bother to get the image down pact! That was very annoying and a great insult to his person and, unlike a certain giant bat, he wouldn't put up with that shit. He smiled under his scarf because he had been getting rather down in the dumps lately but now he had something that would definitely give him a little fun.

"Now—," before the parody of a parody could go on with his attempted robbery (why in the fuck would a copycat hit up a grocery store? It didn't matter if the shit was extremely expensive, it was a fucking grocer) he suddenly found himself flying backwards due to a glancing blow from a shotgun. He let out a howl of pain and withered on the tiled floor like the little pussy he was however, it wasn't Joker that had shot his imposter. He turned to see the shaking store assistant girl with the smoking barrel still in her grasp and a slightly dazed looked on her face. Joker opened his mouth but, just like his parody, he found that he couldn't go on although it wasn't because he was shot. God help this little bimbo if she had shot him, luckily she hadn't; instead a half-naked redhead that came running into the room. Her poisonous green eyes darted across the room until she saw the girl.

"Dear God, Harleen what happened!?" she shrieked, running over in all of her exposed glory. It was really what Joker wanted to see—sheesh, hadn't she heard of a razor!?

"H-he—I think I just killed Da Jokah!" Harleen (oh so that was her name!) stuttered out, falling into her lover's chest as the woman gathered her up. Joker, the real Joker at the least, sauntered up to his fake and kicked him in the ribs, making the man turn on his back.

"No doll, the Joker is much, uh, harder to killllll," he smirked as he looked down at the still living copycat. Oh this was a lovely moment in life—something that would get him out of his rut. The parody of him didn't even seem to be that injured as he looked down at him. Eyes were still alert although glazed with pain and tears. Joker glanced over where the man's eyes kept looking and saw the gun so very close to the uninjured fingers. Now, never to be one to kick a man when he's down, Joker decided to casually kick the gun under a food aisle. Awwww, was the copycat going to cry?

"You'll pay… I'm the Joker," he wheezed out in a nasally voice (his voice did NOT sound like that). Okay, honestly, this was just insulting and he was going to teach this fucker a few things about acting the part. For one, he knew the limits of the human body and this little grazed shot really should not hurt him like this… fucking nancy. He opened his mouth to make a joke or three when two men walked in the door (was today 'Interrupt Joker Day'?) but stopped short as they took in the scene.

"Sorry we're late… why are there two of you?" Joker glanced up from his copycat to see two casually dressed henchmen. It was probably because Joker had been very specific about his clothing choice when he left out that the idiots didn't run around like chickens without their heads at the sight of the wounded man. He supposed he shouldn't be too disappointed that he hired idiots because it wasn't their fault that they were so disposable.

"It seems that Batsy isn't the only one with a few uh admirrrrres. Happy, get the bags and Dopey get this bozo in the truck," he pointed to the two as though to slowly make them understand what he wanted them to do. The black haired man sighed and moved forward.

"My name is Edward," Happy muttered so low under his breath that Joker almost didn't catch it. Before he could remind the skinny man that he didn't give a fuck if his name was Jesus Christ, the sound of a barrel being loaded caught his attention. He slowly turned from his inspection of Happy and saw that the redhead was now holding the shotgun with green eyes solely on his face. Dopey had the bozo by one arm, looking as though he wasn't sure if he should load the body or pull out the gun that Joker demanded his henchmen keep on them at all times. In the end, his bright blue, slightly crossed eyes glazed over and he continued doing what he was doing as though nothing important was happening.

"What are you doing here, you murderer!?" the redhead spat, ignoring the cleanup going around her and focusing on the most dangerous person in the room. Joker put up his hands easily and smiled under his scarf, tongue coming out to lick at his always aching scars although he was a bit annoyed. What else would he be doing there other than shopping for food? It wasn't like he was crazy or anything glamorous like that. And seriously, calling him a murderer? That was just hurtful!

"Now, why don't you calm down uh, Red?" he drawled easily, taking a step closer even as the pants-less woman leveled the gun with his head. He wasn't exactly scared that she'd shoot him because if she did… well, she had better make sure that he was dead or she was liable to really become a real fire crotch. He giggled at his own, very bad joke and took another step closer.

"Uh… should I…?" Happy held up the bags he managed to grab. The redhead leveled the shotgun to him but found that this was the worst thing to do as Joker suddenly jumped over the counter and got a good hold of the long barrel. Before she could even think of pulling the trigger, he had the nozzle pressed underneath her chin and his finger laced with hers on the trigger. Cold sweat broke onto her forehead and the look of anger she had on her face was turned into something much more satisfying, something a bit more like heart stopping fear although she stubbornly attempted to squash it. That was so sweet.

"Please let her go," Harleen whimpered from somewhere in the background. Joker didn't even spare her a glance, his eyes looking deep into the forest green orbs before him. She kept very still, finger shaking under his as she was very aware how close to death she was at that very moment. It was a simple jerk away.

"Now, here's what's going to happen doll face. I'm going to take care of your clown pest as a gesture of good will because really, he's a bit uh… bright for my tastes," Joker tittered but sighed as his humor wasn't well received. Really, you would think that having a gun to someone's head would persuade them to get the stick out of their ass. He breathed heavily and licked at his scars once again, glancing behind himself to see that his henchmen were done with loading up the car. Well, that was nice—they even took the initiative and cleaned up the blood! Gold star for them.

"See, we're already half way through but your part…" suddenly he cleaned close to her face, eyes blazing with deep anger, "DO NOT MOVE!"

Red flinched hard but nodded hesitantly as she caught his drift of not moving the store more so than not moving in general. Ah, she was a smart girl. He smirked and pulled away from her, giving a short pat to her cheek as a sign of approval.

"Pammy!" Harleen shouted and launched herself at the redhead as soon as there was a single inch between them. Pamela caught her, gun falling to the ground in her effort to not drop her girlfriend. The two of them watched Joker with untrusting eyes as he sauntered out of the store although he paused at the door, reaching into his pockets.

"In case there are any more pests," he winked and threw down his card. Then he continued on as though nothing had happened, whistling rather happily along the way. He hopped into the plain minivan, throwing an arm around the shaking imposter.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry," the man whimpered, trying to get away from him. Joker slowly unwrapped his face and threw his hat somewhere behind him, allowing greasy green hair to tumble around his face in wild tendrils. His free hand was used to pull the hair in a more orderly fashion.

"Hiiii," Joker drawled in the very correct way instead of the fake nasally thing that came from this man's nose. He began to eye him more carefully, noting that although the colors were wrong and the fabrics doubly wrong, it wasn't a bad copy for the first try. Batman's copy hadn't even bothered to wear rubber or to be even vaguely in shape, at least this guy was around his size and height.

But ah… there was something missing. It was something that was very important, something that without it, you just couldn't be a very good Uncle J. Joker reached into his pockets and came up with a short knife—see, it always paid to remember a knife or two, one never realized when a dumbass would impersonate you and forget the most important detail of the entire costume. He moved with the speed that belied his usual lazy movements and straddled the man, shoving the dull blade into the man's mouth.

"You know this reminds me of a song and it goes a little something like this. Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly. They stand out a millllle but brother, you're never fully dressed without aaaaaaa S-M-I-L-E!" he sang loudly before yanking his hand quickly.

(**)

To Be Continued

Please stop me.


	2. Daddy!

Chapter Two

(**)

As soon as he stepped into his abode, his cheer fell somewhat because he knew that these fucking numb-nuts had done something wrong. It was something that was so large in the way of wrong that they were doing Russian roulette via hand game and it was obvious who had lost. It was the one that dropped his poor paper hand and stepped forward, rubbing his hands together carefully and trying to seem much smaller than his bulkiness would allow. It was so silly. Joker was at least two feet shorter than the seven foot behemoth in front of him with decidedly less muscles so the man really should be more confident! Joker grinned and shifted the grocery bag in his grip, watching as the man paused and took a step back.

"Heyyyy, Doc is it?" he tilted his head at the man. If the crying clown mask hadn't been there, he was sure that the man would be grimacing at the moment but why, he was such a nice guy! Joker chuckled low under his breath and stepped toward the man, silently daring him to move away.

"Uh, you call me Doc. We uh prove a hablem—I mean uh, have a problem," the large man stuttered out in a rare show of tongue ties. Joker restrained his giggle and nodded sagely. Doc pulled off his mask to reveal a handsome face almost completely covered in scales. He brought up a hand to wipe away sweat and concentrated on a spot above the greasy green hair rather than the dark eyes attempting to burn through his soul.

"So what's this 'hablem', Doctor Croc?" Joker mocked.

"Somethinggotin," Doc said in a fast blur. Joker blinked at the man, what the Hell was he talking about? Dopey may be slightly crazy but he was the best technician this side of Gotham and knew his security stuff like the back of his scarred hand. Of course, there was the whole thing that the man might just be a nut job after being thoroughly traumatized by… hm, well Joker couldn't quite remember as to what traumatized the man but judging by the huge scar along his neck and curving down his chest the fucker was sloppy because the mute was in Joker's band of freaks rather than six feet deep as the wound suggested.

"What something, don't keep me-uh waiting, Doc." he urged the man to continue, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. Honestly, he just got back from Harlequin and Ivy's Grocers, a large splatter of blood stained his casual wear and a good little imposter set up in one of the rooms for a little play. If this big fucking crocodile in front of him didn't say something, he was going to rip his entrails out with a pointy stick through the asshole!

"Well it's… it's a kid." Joker paused as his brain tried to compute what his very stupid henchman had just said. There were very few things that shocked Joker these days if they ever did in the first place. To have this dumb fuck stand in front of him, telling him that a kid had snuck into his secure little home… now, that was mind boggling.

"Do you mean a baby goat?" he asked dumbly but really, it was much more likely that a little baby goat had gotten past his cronies than a child. Doc blinked at him as though he wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or smack him upside the head. Lucky for him, he chose neither.

"W-no, no! Like a little kid—it looked like a boy but he ran into the place right there and none of us can reach in there," Doc pointed at the corner where a large table sat bolted to the wall and beyond that a small vent from what Joker knew of the building. The vent was tiny and Joker was certain that a kid couldn't possibly fit in it then again, not all kids were fat assess that would get stuck trying to get their blubber through the hole in the wall.

Joker didn't even try to screw his lips shut in an attempt to not laugh because it was going to happen regardless. His signature, hyena laugh echoed in the room as his mind's eye summoned the image of a piggy boy tried to squeeze his blubber through the vent, trying in vain to go back or forward only for a bunch of henchmen to use butter to free his fat ass.

Of course, the world was at war whether or not it loved Joker for he suddenly found himself grunting as something hit him directly in the dick with the force of a small cannon. The groceries fell out of his hand in a magnificent spill and he hunched over, letting out a wheezed chuckle. He mentally swore that if it was Doc or any of these little troopers that hit him in the in the white soldiers, he was going to cut off the bastard's hand and slap him with it until he either died from blood loss or began to see life in the very funny light that he saw it.

Joker reached down to tenderly cup his poor penis and to make sure that his balls were still outside of his body and not somewhere in his kidneys but instead of his pants, he encountered something silky… something that felt distinctly like human hair. Joker giggled (someone head butt him in the groin and if that wasn't funny, he didn't know what was) and turned his eyes down.

There, trying his hardest to hug him with short, skinny arms was a little boy. Now, the thing about this little boy was that he had green hair. Yes, bright Joker-green (that's a color) hair that fell on his narrow shoulders in dirty tendrils. His face was buried uncomfortably deep in Joker's groin and he was rubbing his face in like a cat that wanted to be petted. Sheesh, the kid was lucky that he wasn't some kind of pedophile or he'd find a hard dick in his mouth rather than a blissfully soft dick on his cheek.

"That kid has a very unfortunate height," Happy whispered to his fellow henchmen but in the silence of the 'lair', it sounded as though he had screamed at the top of his lungs. Joker threw him a look that might or might not have expressed his desire to put his foot up his scrawny ass. He'd deal with that funny man at a later moment… like when he detached the kid from his person. Joker reached down and grabbed the torn, thin shirt the boy was wearing and yanked. It turned out that the little brat actually had a much better grip on him than he had assumed. After a great tug, the little fingers finally detached and the boy gave a whimper, reaching for him desperately.

Now Joker wasn't very sure, but he assumed that there wasn't a kid in Gotham that would want to hug him, much less unintentionally molest him. He hooked his cold fingers under the boy's pits and lifted him to eye level, idly noting that the boy didn't even flinch throughout this process, in fact he seemed very happy and satisfied now that Joker was holding him albeit in a possibly uncomfortable position.

"What the Hell…?" he squinted at the little brat as though he were a foreign concept. He was probably three, five if the kid was being starved as Joker assumed judging by the near weightlessness of the brat. He was also as pale as him with dark eyes that were made darker by the bags under his large onyx eyes. An undefined child's nose (that could grow straight like his) sat above faintly red, dry lips that slowly pulled into a smile. All in all…

"Either I'm crazy or this kid looks just like me," he muttered, pulling the little boy closer as though that would make his features change into something that didn't look like mini him. The boy giggled as though he were entertained by his words and reached forward with two grabby little hands, one latching onto his nose and the other touching his cheek.

They began to move around as the boy searched his face with curious little hands. Henchmen all around mentally fainted or bit their tongues to stop themselves from either warning the child of his impending doom or snatching him away from their boss before the man could snap and kill the boy. In his defense, Joker was quite startled that the little fucker didn't bother to be slightly disturbed by his scars, taking the time to touch them as the rest of his face before wrapping his little arms around Joker's neck in a strangle… er, hug.

"DADDY!" he burst out in his ear then went completely limp as he fainted for no good reason.

(**)

For the first time in Joker's life, he was absolutely speechless. Here he was, coming home for some food and rest only to get head butt in the balls and then discover a kid that looked shockingly like him. So many things could be done, so many dastardly things that would make Batsy grit his teeth and yet, the thought hadn't even come to mind. In fact, nothing came to mind.

Joker didn't have to turn his head to look at the boy for he had been staring at him silently for the past ten minutes, observing him with almost curious dark eyes. At the current moment, he held him under the shoulders and knees, not that it was necessary for him to hold him with two arms, and the little head was cocked all the way back, green hair falling from the side of Joker's arm and the little mouth open to let out soft sighs.

His still thoroughly shocked mind noted that the kid was absolutely a-fucking-dorable. Perhaps it was the green hair that matched his own or the fact that the child had called him daddy but it made him the best, cutest little boy he had ever seen. There was only one problem with the boy: he was much too dirty and thin. Joker clucked his tongue, shifting the child until the little head rested on his chest in a more comfortable pose. First he would have to give him a bath and—

No, no… he wasn't thinking about keeping the kid just because he called him daddy and looked a lot like him, was he? That sounded like a bad idea… like a really, really… wonderfully bad idea. Like a really wonderful idea. Joker carefully pulled his fingers through the greasy hair and a smile slowly carved itself across his scarred lips. Why hadn't he thought about it before!? The thing that would get him out of this rut and would put pep to his step was a mini J! Wasn't that what all the celebrities did to solve their little problems? And, other than Oprah, he was the biggest celebrity in the world!

Joker hummed and began to walk out of the room then he paused, a frown pulling at his lips. He had already hit a snag. Other than the obvious such as feeding, petting and bathing he had absolutely no idea how to take care of a kid and even then, Joker was half sure that he was thinking of a puppy when he thought about those basics. And the kid didn't have anything to wear and he would need toys or something right? It would be better if he waited for the kid to wake up so that he could ask him but he was so excited at the moment—fuck it, he'd get a little bit of everything.

"Take this," Joker shoved the child in the unprepared henchman's arms and giggled gleefully as the man nearly broke his neck to get a good hold in the kid. He probably shouldn't be tickled pink any time someone was frightened of him but he just couldn't help it. His henchmen really shouldn't be so afraid of him as Bashful was at that current moment.

Yeah, sure, if Bashful had dropped the kid, he would have found just how long Joker could keep someone alive while working them over with his magic fingers but that didn't mean he had to clutch the slumbering boy like he was God. Or maybe he was holding him as a shield which would be a problem if they were ever in a situation in which someone was gunning for them… he would have to instill the fear of Joker in all of them to make sure that his new kid was the first thing they protected.

"Sleepy, Doc, Sneezy, and… Grumpy," Joker pointed to random guys when he was only sure about one of them but he had a good chance of picking the right men or three. It turned out that no, he hadn't guessed correctly but whatever, they were all the same to him. All of them were practically shaking with nerves as though Joker had a gun to their heads… well, Grumpy wasn't shaking but that's why he was Joker's favorite when he remembered that he had a favorite.

Joker paused in his next announcement as he pondered the names he had blurted out one day around three weeks ago. At first he just used random names but after the first dozen times in which case the wrong guy popped up and he had to stab the person for disobeying him (they should know their names!) he had finally came up with permanent names for his last seven henchmen. Yeah, they were from Snow White but it was just too much fun watching grown men answer to dwarf names.

"Yeah boss?" Sleepy half yawned behind his mask. And it fit some of them so very well!

"Casual clothes… now. We're going out. Whoever isn't at that door in the next five minutes gets a few pressies that's sure to… well, you know the rest," Joker wiggled a rather large knife in the air so that they caught his threat rather than confusing it for an offer. The four practically ran out of the room to get changed into something 'civilian acceptable' to Joker's laughing track which ended abruptly as he turned to the remaining three.

"Bashful, make the kid fucking squeaky but Insanity help you if you drown the brat. Happy, find out how our little uh guest got in here and Dopey…" Joker looked at the last member who was blinking his big doe eyes at the space, platinum blond (nearly white) hair falling into his eyes. It took a few moments before the blue orbs turned to him but they didn't shift in appearance at the sight of the dangerous man as though he just weren't aware of his surroundings or if he was, he didn't give a good fuck.

"Just… do something. I don't care." he waved a hand dismissively and turned on his toes to leave. Seriously, there was something wrong with that man. Joker sighed, he just attracted crazies but at the very least they were half dependable crazies and that was a plus. He looked at the four men now waiting patiently by the door, each in various casual wear.

"Are you waiting for a prize?" he snapped as they stared at him. Useless lumps of idiocy, he pushed pass the men and made his way to the truck, throwing himself in the driver's seat. Joseph shook his head lightly, tugging his silvery fringe a little further down to hide the left side of his face (at least to his cheekbones) then followed much quicker than his younger comrades.

"Uh, where are we goin' boss?" Sneezy rasped as he pulled out a piece of tissue to blow his red nose though if it was red because the man was sick or if it was cold, no one gave a fuck. If Joker had the time, he would have shot the muscled man for being a walking set of germs and disease but as it were, he needed all the hands he could get for this little trip.

(**)

As a young man that had signed a deal with the devil for some relief, Sleepy (his real name was actually Teddy) had never actually driven in a car with his boss behind the wheel. Teddy knew that the last man that did got himself killed and Joker hadn't given a rat's ass but as long as the scary clown kept the voices from overtaking his dreams, Teddy didn't care one bit. As it turned out, Joker was not a considerate driver, he did not obey the laws and he certainly did not keep his road rage to almost silent bitching within his closed window. No, he rolled his window all the way down and stuck his head out much like a dog, letting go of the wheel and leaving Mr. Joseph to grab hold of it and steer them out of danger while their boss screamed at the 'idiots' on the road.

"What the fuck is a red light for NUMB NUTS!?" This statement was odd in that Joker had to swerve around a car in front of him because it stopped at the red light while Joker just went right through it, easily dodging the oncoming cars. Well, it wasn't so much as dodging the blue haired teenager noted with wide eyes. It was that the others didn't want to die so they all crashed into each other.

"Shit, missed that turn. Can I U-turn here…? Don't care!" Teddy resisted the urge to grab onto Sneezy's (real name Avery or something like that) hand as they made a hazardous U-turn and nearly hit several other motorists but this was mostly for the fact that Avery was a walking bucket of illness more so than anything else. Luckily, they didn't actually hit anyone and the beeping from others didn't last long as they barreled down past them and down the street that the boss had missed.

"Okay, let's see, I'm sure it was down this street right—no, that's a one way but nobody's there so I might as well keep going…" Idly, Teddy wondered if he should have opted for the pressies than these near death experiences. They weren't fun at all.

"Why in the—ARE YOU BLIND OR STUPID!? The speed limit is ninety five, not fifteen. What the Hell do you mean that this is a school zone—? Fuck those snot nosed brats. My son is smart enough to not walk into the—WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Joker looked as though he were ready to either climb out the window or throw a knife at the soccer mom ushering her children into the car. It wasn't possible for the dark eyed man to have heard anything she said but, maybe he could read lips because he certainly seemed on the verge of real irritation rather than the half irritated, half amused mood he often fell into.

Mr. Joseph had the balls to catch onto their boss's trench coat before he could fall out the window he was half way out of and tugged him back in just in time to stop him from being completely demolished by a passing minivan. Teddy would have commented but he was honestly too busy holding onto his seatbelt for dear life. Finally, after a long ten minutes with multiple almost crashes, more curses, hysterical whooping laughter, they were finally at the location. To his surprise, this moment was the only moment where Joker proved to be quite skillful, parking after only glancing at the tiny space and not even grazing the other cars by their sides.

"A kid's store?" Doc (Waylon) squinted up at the giant building they found themselves near. It was huge, probably ten times their base of operation and twenty times as colorful. It looked as though a rainbow fucked a clown, gave birth to a unicorn then gave fifteen hundred blind kids crayons and told them to just 'go for it'. Teddy tried very hard not to laugh his face off at that image and succeeded for the most part.

"No a guns and ammunition store aptly named 'Kids Playground'," Joker rolled his eyes and reached his hand into the glove department by Joseph's legs. He snatched out a blond wig and arranged it on his head carefully then brushed rough fingers across his cheeks to make sure the fake skin was covering his scars. Then burning dark eyes glanced at the rest of them to approve or disapprove. The first thing he did was snatch off Avery's baseball cap then slapped him several times with it which actually sent the brunette into a sneezing fit.

"Stop looking like a pedophile, idiot. Now for the rest of you: when we go in there, you don't want nothing, you don't steal nothing and you DON'T look uh sus-pic-ious. You pull out a gun, it better be because Gordon is fucking me in the ass with a sniper rifle." That painted a very disturbing picture in the poor teenager's mind but he pushed it to the side in favor of staring at the kid's store. It was obvious as to why they were there but it still boggled his fragile mind that Joker of all people was going to a kid's store and not to terrorize anyone. If Teddy wasn't mistaken, it looked like the man was grabbing several stacks of the clean money that hadn't been touched by blood, gasoline or greasepaint.

"This should be enough… come on, let's go." their boss muttered then threw open his door and stepped out in the sunlight. His henchmen followed him quickly.

(**)

To Be Continued

By the way, I might mess with the Robins as I can't keep track of them anymore or their history. I just can't be bothered with that insanity any longer.

Yes, I mixed the generations up because I don't really think we'll be hitting the HP world really seeing as Gotham is in America.


	3. A is for Apple

Chapter Three

Did I mention that characters say/think/do offensive things?

Warning: serious pedophilic thoughts but no actual actions (for the most part)

(**)

Joker had left his minions with the careful instructions to get things that looked to be the kid's size clothes wise and age appropriate toys. He ducked away from several perky looking sales associates that looked as though they had been gleefully humped by a unicorn singing Barney songs and headed directly for the book section. He threw several children books in there, a large one with pictures and several that would help the kid learn how to read and more with fairytales or various stories and poems in there. He had a nice voice for reading and tweaking the stories should prove to be fun. Then he strode for the child rearing books. He was going to need a stack of them…

What to Expect When You're Expecting (Well, it was a little too late for that, wasn't it?) Tossed

The New Strong-Willed Child (They're all strong willed until you pull out a leather belt and lay into their hinnies) in the cart

Bringing Up Bebé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of Irish Parenting (Do I look like I give a fuck about the Irish?) Tossed

How to Talk So Kids Will listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk (You don't just bribe them with candy or threaten them? Hm, that one seems like something I'm going to need. If the brat doesn't come to me with his problems, how am I supposed to kill his enemies… er, not kill… just gravely injured) in the cart

Positive Disciple A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems (Children are pampered nancies this day and age! A bottle of liquor to the head or a burnt hand kept me in line…) definitely in the cart.

"Hi sir, do you need any… oh." One of the Unicorn concubines stopped short in her approach. He wasn't very sure why, it certainly wasn't the scars because his wig and artfully applied latex skin hid them expertly well. Then he saw her eyes looking at the cart. He glanced down too, what was the problem? He only had fifty or so books and he hadn't even finished yet.

"Are you sure that you… uh…?" They surely didn't prepare her to talk to a strange man chucking books in his cart with very little care. She probably thought that he was just making a mess or something stupid like that. What need would he have for the cart if he just wanted to make a mess?

"My money, your sales," he shrugged then continued to skim over the titles of the hundreds of child care books. The woman opened her mouth to say something more but probably thought that he might just leave the store without purchasing anything and publicly blaming her for his leaving. No, no, she wanted to keep her job so she smiled brightly and bounced off to bother someone else like the strange tall man with short brown hair and what seemed to be scales on the side of his face grabbing toys and throwing them in the cart without care… okay, maybe she should bother someone smaller.

It wasn't very long until Joker finally finished with the books, both his and the kid's. There were more books for the kid than him because he would be damned if he had a hand in raising an illiterate fool. Speaking of fools, he had better check up on his men if he wanted to make sure that they were doing the right thing. It wasn't hard to find them what from Doc's strange looks, the bright blue mess on Sleepy's head, Sneezy's loud allergies getting the best of him, or the mostly silver locks from Grumpy. Obvious fuckers…

(**)

"Do you think that the brat is too old for blocks?" Joseph grumbled to Teddy. The young man of maybe nineteen blinked at him slowly then turned his eyes to the box of blocks that the older had been ogling. On the box, it seemed as though two little children had built some kind of ugly structure with multicolored blocks and seemed very proud of themselves.

"I don't think so…" the teenager shrugged, taking down the box then trotting to the other blocks made for older kids to grab those also. Joseph was very impressed on how much the boy seemed the care. Or he just didn't want to fuck this up and have the Joker fire him. And by fired, Joseph didn't mean with a pat to his back and a chipper wave. No, it would be something much more… permanent if he could say that without sounding extremely cheesy.

"I'm much too old for this shit," Joseph sighed as he continued to look for toys.

"No, you're not old sport! You barely look a day over fifty!" a chipper voice chirped in his ear. The graying man let out a massive sigh and turned his head to face his current boss. He wished he could blame someone else for his current position in a crazed clown's hand but he honestly couldn't.

Joseph knew his faults, he knew that he had gotten cocky and allowed himself to be knocked off his very high pedestal by that damn hypocrite. He knew that he had escaped his prison and came up with a new identity then allowed himself to be traded from one hand to another until he ended up in the middle of this retina damaging children's store. Yup, his life was fucking peachy and it was all his doing.

"I'm nearly eighty, kid," the man chuckled with a ruffling hand through the fake blond locks. Sometimes, he wanted to be afraid of Joker or his antics but really, what was the point of fearing him? It would do nothing to stop him and it certainly wouldn't help Joseph. Besides, he knew his kind, had been his kind for a long time. After a while, it would get boring and he would stop setting the world on fire only to watch it burn. Of course that day wouldn't happen for another forty or so years even more if he didn't resolve that obvious sexual tension with the 'Batman'.

"Yeah, yeah now let's go to the stuffed animals. I can't trust you fucktards to pick something suitable for my kid," Joker muttered, tugging on his arm once. Joseph Kerr (really, he should have changed the name as soon as he came across the madman named Joker) grabbed onto the red cart and followed after the skipping man. He opened his mouth to tell him to stop running in case he fell or ran into someone (this was just like babysitting) but it was too late. Joker ran directly into a 'inconspicuous' man that looked very, very suspicious which was just ironic considering that he and several others in the store were actual criminals. He had better get over there to make sure that the boss didn't blow their cover or something.

(**)

Life was just a rollercoaster ride for him today. First he was down then he was up then he was really up and now he was down… literally for the last one. He had been rounding a corner quickly only to run directly into another person (who was like a fucking brick wall) and fell to the ground, hard. He was sure that whatever his head landed on, couldn't have been fucking harder if he begged it to.

"A is for Apple."

Joker closed his eyes to stop himself from looking at the person. If it was that fucking bimbo, he was going to kick her directly in the stomach as hard as he could just to ensure that she never had a child in her life… if she was already pregnant, she wouldn't be after that blow. Luckily for the clerk woman and her unborn children, it wasn't her.

"I'm so sorry. I hadn't seen you there," the man apologized above him. Joker snapped his eyes open and he found himself hard press to stop a smile from spreading across his face and revealing just who he was. Maybe the rollercoaster was still going in the up direction. Obviously fate was happy that he was going to give his best to a child that he didn't kidnap or even emotionally scar.

"Yeah, it's fine," he accepted the calloused, tanned hand of the man and made sure the hair was nearly plastered to his cheeks once more and looked up at the slightly taller man. Judging by the outfit, he was trying to be casual and inconspicuous at the same time but he was trying so hard that it just made him look like a celebrity trying to hide from cameras or a kid snatcher.

"So… why is Bruce Wayne in a toy shop? A few baby mamas surface or something?" Joker tilted his head. Wayne, for some odd reason, looked completely gob smacked as though he didn't know that a blind, half retarded wombat would be able to spot him in that getup. After a few seconds of silently staring at him with that look on his face, the tanned man suddenly gripped him up by the arm and yanked him behind a shelf, crouching low.

"How did you know it was me?" the other demanded, looking over the Gucci glasses.

"You have a baseball cap and sunglasses on," Joker smiled as though he were waiting for Bruce to start laughing with him. Of course he truly was expecting a bit of laughter because everyone knew that this was not the way to go with disguising yourself. The only thing worse that the billionaire could have done was put on a trench coat with the collar pulled up high.

"I don't understand," Bruce smiled sheepishly.

"That short bus must still be outside, buddy," Joker rolled his eyes then continued on as though he were talking to a very slow child. By the affronted look that crossed the handsome face, Bruce must have detected his opinion. Well good for him. "You are in a baseball cap… and sunglasses… both dark while standing in a store meant for children… while not having a child with you. Not only is that uh very suspicious but now everyone thinks you're a Grade-A pedophile."

"What?" Bruce sputtered and stumbled to feet, glaring at the other from behind his dark pedophile glasses. Oh yeah, there wasn't a way that one of the unicorn concubines wouldn't come flouncing over to question the suspicious billionaire, "No they don't!"

Joker shrugged and flounced back to Joseph who had been standing the perfect distance. It was close enough that he could pop up at any time and Joker could see him but far enough that he wasn't snooping or anything that would send Joker into an impatient killing. Good on him but now he was interested in getting stuffed animals for his little boy, he wondered what kind the child would like.

"Isn't this so cute?" Joker snatched up an odd looking teddy purple bear with green tuffs for hair and a red snout. There were quite a few of them, indicating that not a lot of people liked them or that they ran out so they had just restocked. Joseph had a feeling that it was the former rather than the latter but his boss didn't seem to care as he threw it in the cart while they went through the other stuffed items as well. Only the strangest, most colorful or an unfortunate combination of the two was taken. It wasn't a lot but Joseph managed to sneak in some non-blinding items when Joker wasn't paying attention. Then again, the man probably wouldn't have cared seeing as he was cooing over a realistic little puppy and muttering under his breath about getting his kid the real thing but the only problem was what kind of dog the boy would want.

"Bashful had better be seeing to that kid properly… he's the cutest little bugger in the world… isn't he?" Joker sighed like a sickeningly proud parent would even though the nutcase had met the boy not even three hours ago. Joseph sighed but nodded as burning dark eyes glanced over at him. Seriously, he wasn't paid enough for this kind of torture although it was made a bit better to see a millionaire get approached by a very determined unicorn concubine. Ugh, where had such a foul thought come from?

Joseph pondered if the henchmen left behind at the base were doing a bit better than he was at this moment.

(**)

Edward 'Happy' Nygma was not, in the least, happy at this current moment. Not only was he stuck in their base with a retard and a sick fuck that should be set on fire and beaten with a club but he was staring at five screens of camera surveillance. Dopey was a seriously high tech son of a bitch and that was all fine and dandy but obviously he wasn't high tech enough because a little brat somehow snuck into the place without anyone seeing him or sensors stopping him. Edward threw a dirty look over to Dopey who simply smiled back at him and started to bob his head to silent music.

"Riddle me this, Dopey. Do I hate you because you're fucking retarded or because I'm jealous of just how oblivious you are?" Edward glared harder in hopes of making Dopey change expressions. His hopes were in vain because Dopey truly was a bit dopey. The man was now giggling silently at his own wiggling fingers as he made them dance across his face. The long haired man growled low under his breath and just barely refrained from banging his head into the desk, instead turning his eyes back to the screens.

He was too brilliant and intelligent for this shit… how did he even get caught up with this fucking psycho? Well, he knew how he became in such a sweet acquaintance with the madman but he tried not to dwell on his momentary lapse into stupidity. It was just too bitter a pill to swallow.

(**)

Bashful (Jarvis) was in his own personal Heaven. He was doing something that he hadn't done in such a long… long time and it felt absolutely marvelous. A part of him told him not to do this, not because it was bad but because this particular activity was being performed on something that the green devil owned. The Green Devil would kill him should he ever find out but Jarvis couldn't resist. He couldn't leave such flesh untouched as his eyes raked the waifish body now naked before his eyes.

With a shaking hand, the auburn haired man brushed a thumb across the grimy, thin cheek that was slightly rounded with youth and watched as the stained lips parted to let out a soft sigh. The child shifted slightly in his arms as though he knew what was happening and he wanted more. Yes, that what it was, the child wanted more. Another sigh left the little lips and it was so very cute but he couldn't awaken the child lest his fun be cut short. Even though the child wanted it, he would be afraid of his feelings and desires and try to fight them. Jarvis started to drag his eyes away from the youthful, dirty face and downwards, eyes soaking in each patch of supple, grimy flesh. His smile only grew as he idly turned off the running water before it could overflow or something as inconvenient as that.

"So pretty," he whispered softly, lowering the child into the steaming water, while keeping a strong arm on the child's back. It had been too long since he seen such beauty or had the privilege to touch it. The boy was very small and skinny. Dirt practically clung to his skin but Jarvis could still count each little rib and each knobby piece of his spine. He could even tell that the skin, though extremely dirty, would turn pure porcelain that could never be truly tainted. Such beauty and his lips! They looked like he had bitten into a ripe strawberry. Jarvis could imagine the red juices sliding past the plump lips and down the slender little neck until it ran into his shirt—or a pretty blue dress with a clean white apron and shining black shoes with white stockings encasing those skinny legs.

He was losing control, he had to concentrate on something else. Jarvis snatched up the soapy rag and began to wash the dirt off the child with the practiced hand of a nurse or someone who had done this many, many times over. The rough rag was not nearly enough barrier between his hand and the sinfully soft flesh—oh how soft and delicate! He was absolutely perfect, everything he had been looking for… well, except one thing.

"Blond hair would look so very good on you, child," he hummed to the slumbering beauty. To his surprise, the dirty green locks suddenly shifted from fresh moss to a golden crown. Had it not been for his sense of self-preservation, Jarvis might have dropped the child into the water to drown but he hadn't which was just as well. He stared with wide eyes at the boy that was now a vision of absolute perfection. He released the rag and pulled his soaking fingers through the tangled, greasy blond hair that would soon be clean and perfect like the rest of the child.

"Alice…"

(**)

It was time to go. They had everything they could think of and the only thing that was stopping them was the fact that several unicorn concubines had gone over to the suspicious man/billionaire because he appeared to be a very creepy man wandering about in a child's store, hypothetically to snatch up some wandering child. Of course the concubines realized that 'oh my god it's Bruce Wayne!' and suddenly it was no longer 'you are a creepy guy in a kid's store and we'll call the cops on you!' and more like 'I am so sorry for the misunderstanding but can you please have my babies Mr. Wayne!'

"No it's fine. I just didn't want to be swarmed or anything… could you direct me to the children's books?" Bruce felt his face light a very bright red because that strange blond had been completely right. They honestly thought him some kind of creep! Luckily that had been taken care of except now they were all fawning over him with doe eyes and that was probably worse than the wild accusations that had been tossed at him. Didn't this woman have something else to do… like ring up the blond man and his odd posse composed of an old man, a blue haired young man, a large dude with a weird patches on his skin, and a guy that seriously needed a tissue and hand sanitizer. It was probably the weirdest group he had ever seen but he had no right to judge and probably no room.

He pushed it out of his head and continued down the aisles, eyes looking through the items carefully even though he had a distinct feeling that he would accidentally get more than what he needed. A smile pulled at his lips because he truly didn't care if he went extravagant—he was Bruce Wayne after all!

(**)

Joseph wasn't sure how it was possible but he was officially at the end of his frayed nerves. Normally he would rather cut out his own tongue than admit that he was fed up with something and just plain tired but fuck it all, he was fed up and he was plain tired. He snatched the keys from his current boss, not even bothering to look at the man as he stomped to the car and ordered everyone inside. It was time for them to go back to the base—they had done enough shopping.

"There's not enough room for-uh everybody," Joker whined just to be annoying. Joseph felt his eye twitch but drew the line at shouting at the younger man. He had no doubt that Joker would kill him should he overstep a line one too much but he was on the verge of not caring any more. Let the crazed man kill him if only to put him out of the torture that he had just gone through.

"Waylon will sit in the passenger seat. Everyone will have several bags on their laps and by their feet," he stated tersely. The henchmen and Joker arranged themselves appropriately and found that it was a tight squeeze but definitely good enough to drive. Joseph climbed within the large van stuffed full with clothes, shoes, toys, books, and various things in between. The old man started the car and began to drive in terse silence, hands tight on the wheel and visible eye staring forward.

"… I'm sorry for knocking that guy out," Waylon suddenly grumbled next to him. Joseph felt his lips purse as he refused to even glance at the slightly deformed but still handsome man. He hadn't even been the worse of the bunch but that had been some fuckery they could have gone without. He wasn't sure what that man had said to Waylon as they walked through the kids shops throughout the mall but it promptly had the almost giant punching the guy with his deadly fist and sending him into dreamland with a single attack.

"And I'm sorry for stealing from that shop," Teddy murmured, hand absently tracing the dagger he had lifted from a store. It was a very nice dagger and so very shiny, he just couldn't help himself. Joseph rolled his eyes at the disturbed kleptomaniac. The boy had stolen something from every shop they went to and shops that they hadn't gone to which had Joseph briefly questioning when he had time to break away from the group to do so but quickly found he didn't care… until the boy got caught.

"I'm sorry for punching that lady in the boob and probably giving her breast cancer," Joker chirped in a way that said he wasn't sorry in the least. Of course he was the one that gave the most problems and it took all of Joseph's will to not launch himself at the crazed clown and strangle him. They made it to a red light and the old man turned in his seat to raise a brow at the man.

"And…?" he prompted.

"And for-uh decking her husband," Joker continued with a small pout.

"And?"

"And for tripping their kid."

"And? What was that other thing you did when we went to the next store?"

"I uh, slit a man's throat from ear to uh earrrr but he had it coming. Said that my kid was ugly and would hate me for putting him in the clothes I bought," Joker defended himself like a petulant child rather than a dangerous psychopath. That fucking guy totally had it coming! No one insulted anything of his and got away with it. Of course he had to kill everyone else in the store because he was too angry to just walk away so yup, that was the ending to the perfect day.

At the very least he got to set the place up in flames! He didn't normally go for organic material and really loved accelerants but hey, a slow burn could be just as satisfying.

(**)

To Be Continued

Just imagine what will happen if/when Joker discovers just what Jarvis is doing!

As another note, let's see who can be the first to guess who 'Joseph Kerr' really is. He's a Harry Potter character, one who's role was major as a name but not as an actual character. My little background story for him was pretty much canon save for leaving with a new name and ending up with Joker (obviously).


End file.
